133) And I've realized, theres probably thirty girls who think they're hot shit reading everything I've ever wrote. And other people reading it as well, and that's fine.
Honestly, I kind of find it funny too. Reading everything I wrote before, it’s insane that i ever thought that way. I regret every word I’ve ever said. How could i have thought something positive would ever come out of this. When has something positive EVER occured in my life? I’m losing everything, and I dont know what to do. The people i try to ask for help, turn the attention to them, and scream that its my fault, and that they do everything they can. Yes, its myfault. It really is. I chose to surround myself with liars, and assholes, and every other shitty friend i have. Its insane, how much i really cared about people. How i let people get so close to me, and think that it would last. When have my friendships ever lasted? Never. I lose everyone, and i dont know why. I never knew why. I dont know why im even bothering to write this right now. I just have no one to tell, and no one to turn to anymore. My life is falling apart, and im what, 15? No. this shouldnt be happening, and it cant happen. Im stronger than this, so why am i letting everything get to me? Ive always been an emotional person, but ive never felt this low. I hate myself. I hateeee myself, so fucking muuch. Its probably why i push everyone away. I never feel good enough for anyone, and i always try too hard. I try to be like other girls, i wish i was. Im not, and its hard. For once, i want to just fit in, and not be looked at weird. I want to be able to have a bunch of friends i can share stuff with, i want that life. I hate what i have now, its horrible. I have what, two, three people who truly care about me? My parents arnt included, because they hate me as well. Im not pretty, clearly. Im not talented. Im not that smart. Im not outgoing enough. Im not fun to be around. Im just there, and thats all ill ever be. Just the girl whos THERE. and thats probably why no one wants me. no one wants to be with me, be friends with me, be anything. i hate myself. i hate what i am, and i want to change. but i cant. And the fact that everyone sees that too, makes it hurt more. I hear what people say, its horrible. How can people be so unaware of others feelings? They think theyre better than everyone else, and who the fuck told them they were? I want to dissapear, it seems everything would be so much better. Why do i feel this way, i dont know. Its wrong, its so bad for me to feel like this, but i do. I waste everyones time, and im never good at anything. Im worthless, and I piss people off. I cause problems, and i ” start shit”. I always try to impress others, and ignore how i treat myself in the process. Im good for nothing, and nothing anyone ever says or does will change that. Thats how ive always viewed myself, and ive tried t get away from it. People point it out. I remember last year, someone said to me, why do i even bother to look pretty, because its not possible. and its not. my self esteem is behind all of this. its jut not fair how some people get everything, and others feel how i do. i just want to go away. i want to leave, and just start over. i want to run away, and never look back on what i have now. its awful, and i want to get away from it. if i could go, i would in a heartbeat. i just have nowhere TO go.
